It wasn’t the first time I’d watched this parent melt down and it was far from the last. But years later, he's the guy who made his mark as the poster child for how parents shouldn't act when watching their children play sports.
The father always rode the referees, the players on his son’s team and (most of all) the head basketball coach at every game, but this night he was in a zone.
His non-stop screaming behind the bench caught the attention of officials, players, press row and other parents, who had not-so-subtly moved away, leaving him and his pre-teen son as islands unto themselves in the stands at University of Detroit High School for a Detroit Catholic League semifinal. Finally, I turned around and mouthed something (and given that it was me, it wasn't complimentary), which caught the other son’s attention. He dropped his head, looked up to catch my eye and apologetically offered:
“He’s really not like that.”
My first thought: What kind of parent is he if his 11-year-old has a ready-made answer?; second thought: Why is he like that at all? Ever.
And when I see or hear of parents screaming at coaches, backstabbing those in charge, manipulating for their own gain, this walking ball of anger comes to mind.
Parents want the best for their children, but at what cost? Another’s reputation? A program’s chemistry? A coach's career?
Do the ends justify the means?
View on YouTubeI’ve been involved with preps the better part of 25-plus years. The vast majority of parents aren’t helicoptering control freaks; conversely, few coaches are Gil Thorp – the comic strip pride of Milford High.
I know most parents are wonderful, just as I know there are a handful of coaches who shouldn't be around students on a daily basis, let alone coaching them. (I can remember one coach who spent a state tournament game in different sport chewing in my ear and turning my stomach on how they weren't racist like others in their family, but didn’t appreciate a sibling marrying one of ‘them.’)
But the exceptions stick out. One bad apple can sour the whole batch of apple juice.
For example, I’ve seen:
-- A local celebrity pushed other media to look into their child’s high school athletic program for violations. When asked about it, the coach rolled his eyes and said it was all about playing time. When the child earned a starting spot the next season, the push stopped.
-- Doing a feature story on an SEC-level sophomore and having the player tell me on the record they committed to one particular in-state school. An hour later, I got a panicked call from the coach pleading not to say the player had committed to that school – not because the player didn’t, but because the mother would make life miserable for the coach if the commitment got out.
-- Same team, a year earlier; team wins the first state title in program history. Players are celebrating, coaches are celebrating and in the middle of the team jubilation, a parent chews out the coach because their child wasn't the MVP. Not over playing time, which the coach could control, but selection of the game's best player of which the coach had no control.
-- A little-better-than-average player had her season cut short in the first couple of weeks by a knee injury. Her mother sent a long note to our paper imploring us to make her daughter all-metro (she wasn’t, we didn’t). The next season, she played at a local junior college and her daughter’s press bio had her making “All-League honorable mention.” Only problem was, she didn’t; the league didn’t have honorable mentions.
-- A state representative was always extolling his daughter’s softball achievements – real or imaginary. Despite what dad thought, the daughter (a good player and a better kid) did not hold the state record for strikeouts. A couple years later, I thumbed a copy of a college press guide and, lo and behold, the daughter’s bio said she held the state record for strikeouts. I called the sports information director, and filled him in. The next season, it was still there. The SID’s response was essentially being easier to deal with the inaccuracy than the parent.
-- A one-time college player’s child was a pretty good player at a pretty good program, but got caught in a numbers game as a sophomore behind two older players. The next season, the now-junior transferred to a power in a private-school association, and the parent pumped the virtues of that program while pushing for more publicity for his child's new team. The team was successful, and the program had a good record of sending players to the next level. But, at the end of the year and the previous roadblocks graduated, the parent pulled the kid back to the first school.
We asked coaches to tell us about their dealings with parents in their careers to find out where there are problems. The results were honest, candid and anonymous for their protection.
By now, the first basketball player in this story is old enough to have children of his own and perhaps involving them in sports.
For his kids’ sake and others, I hope he’s not a chip off the old block.
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